Quote Of The Day

Sunday, November 3, 2013

My Federal Retirement Plan

Dear Mr. Getten,

Our records indicate you will be turning 62 years of age on Wednesday, November 6th. We would like to take this opportunity to wish you a very happy birthday and to share our new retirement options for those born between the years 1946 and 1962. As you may know, our social security 'lockbox' has had a few unfortunate leaks over the past few decades and regrettably, much of the money you have paid into it since 1971 has migrated to other federally mandated necessities.

As your generation ages and begins to apply for their benefits, it has become apparent to our staff that some 'incentives' will be needed to allow for everyone to receive at least some of their retirement income. Therefore, the following list of retirement programs have been created for you and your fellow 'baby boomers' to choose from.

Age 62

1. 10% allowed benefit plus weekly Burger King coupons - good for life

2. 25% allowed benefit plus one case of domestic beer per week - good until age 65 then reverts to plan 1

3. 50% allowed benefits plus complimentary fun day at Hooters each month - good until age 65 then reverts to plan 2

Age 65

1. 50% allowed benefit paid with weekly in special coupons issued by major retail chains. Walmart, K Mart, Target and more. - good for life

2. 100% allowed benefit credited monthly to your account at any major recreation facility. A recreation facility is defined as follows:

Major US hotel or motel chain

Any US country club or other social club/organization

Any Las Vegas or Atlantic City casino or club

Plan 2 requires a 10% 'handling fee' to be paid to the Democratic National Committee or The Clinton Foundation which ever you choose.

We hope your retirement years are enjoyable and comfortable using these benefit plans we have designed for you.


Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, LP
Attorneys and Consultants

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